The Halo Humpday Challenge
Each Wednesday, we here at Bungie pick a fight with another group of Halo 2 players, from all walks of life. This week, it was EGM.
"What!?" I demanded of our PR department. "You want us to throw the match against EGM?"
"Yes, Frankie. It's the only way. EGM is just one tentacle of a malevolent media organization with the power to crush our next game like a fly. If you don't throw this game, you could be looking at 'Fans of the genre will love this, but others, try before you buy,'" purred the strikingly beautiful, yet demure Genevieve Martin-Shenanigard, our PR manager.
"Well I don't want to be damned with faint praise," says I, "but Bungie never threw a match before. What about our pride?"
"Pride be damned! You'll lose this fight or you're finished in this town. Redmond, that is!" screamed Genevieve, her once soothing voice cracking with rage as she slammed down the phone.
Did this conversation really happen? The answer, is no. But in the end, isn't "no," just another way of saying, "yes?" The answer, is also, no. Truth is, as ever, an eel caught in a buttery grip. A bar of soap snatched in a prison shower. A lie, disguised as a pretty lady, with five o'clock shadow and a missing tooth.
We may never know what really happened that day, but the stats never lie…or do they? They don't.
The Bruised Bungie Egos
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Chucky
– Charlie Gough – Hates Kittens.
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Abe Froman
– Luke Timmins – Hates Bunnies.
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Stormincow
– CJ Cowan – Hates Puppies.
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Eamon
– Eamon McKenzie – Hates Babies.
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Shunji
– Mat Noguchi – Hates Order.
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Shaq Diesel
– Stefan Sinclair – Hates Kobe.
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Achronos
– Tom Gioconda – Hates Lateness.
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Ske7ch
– Brian Jarrard – Hates Candy.
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Anim8rJB
– John Butkus - Hates Poutine
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Bentllama
– Nathan Walpole – Hates Harryhausen.
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Shishka
– Chad Armstrong –
This Guy?
The EGM Monsters
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EGM Shoe
- Dan Hsu - EGM Editor in Chief.
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SalFPS
- Sal Viesca - EGM Message Board Moderator
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AZYUMA86
- Greg Hazell - EGM Intern (stand-in for EGM Demian, who couldn't connect)
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Seanbaby
- Sean Reilly - EGM Contributor
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psyho case
- Steve Maldonado - EGM Fan Club President
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EGM Mark
- Mark MacDonald - EGM Executive Editor
-
Novemberist
- Scott Stout - Managing Editor, EGM Brazil
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Capt Sparrow
- Jack Sparrow - Founding Father, Clan EGM
GAME 1:
Team Slayer
Game Stats
Headlong, No Radar
Game Duration:
14:26
General Tone of Game :
Ugly
I actually LOVE Team Slayer on Headlong, because it requires the most strategy of any Slayer scenario. There are so many eventualities – back hallways, sniping roosts, turret emplacements – that knowing which battles to pick can make a rapid difference between loss and victory.
SalFPS led the EGM scoring, nearly doubling the tally of the next best EGM player and to be fair, mixing up his weapons and positions nicely. Bungie's best hope was Chucky, who pulled in a respectable score, but was overshadowed by the might of SalFPS. The rest of the Bungie team spread out kills in a predictable curve, while EGM basically dominated. Murderizing us completely and mostly in the red base.
The only good news here is that this was the closest score in the series of three games.
Final score:
100-81 EGM wins.
GAME 2:
Team Slayer
Game Stats
Ivory Tower , No Radar
Game Duration:
6:30
General Tone of Game :
Stupid
The single stinkiest beatdown since Van Damme got the runs outside a locked portapotty. This is the worst game in Bungie's history of competitive Halo 2 matches versus random jerks. Just LOOK at it. 100-63? What the hell? We let them control the weapons, we let them control the pace and WE KEPT CHARGING IN! We knew we shouldn't yet we couldn't stop.
We also discovered that EGM has an aversion to motion detector. We like it because it adds all sorts of layers to the pace and tension in the game. It allows creeping, for example, which is an added skill requirement. EGM hates it, and turns it off. Grrrr.
But you know what? We deserved to lose this. Cooperation collapsed. Players ran into obvious traps. We couldn't have made more mistakes on a dare.
Final Score:
100-63. EGM wins.
GAME 3:
Team Slayer
Game Stats
Burial Mounds, Radar On!
Game Duration:
9:42
General Tone of Game:
Jerks!
So, the final game. Already a foregone conclusion as morale slumped, abilities waned and the realization that EGM had already won, sank in. Morale was at an all time low, but the Bungie guys continued to scrabble poorly, yet valiantly away. The same mistakes, the same problems plagued us throughout, and on a map we'd tried to avoid.
Clumping together and operating as a single, effiecient, annoying unit, EGM won easily. We can't help but wonder how they'd have done without SalFPS, but that might just be a belch from the sour grapes we had shoved down our throats. Yep, as far as Team Slayer goes, EGM ruled. But how would they do in say, CTF? I guess we'll never know.
Bungie politely requests that readers do not view the stats of the next (fourth) game in the series as it was unofficial and it proves nothing. NOTHING!
Final Score:
100-74. EGM wins...
Choice postgame quotes:
"I thought our game was awesome, but EGM’s science has proven otherwise." –
Shishka
"Oooh, more team slayer with no radar... hey Bungie team, sorry to bail on you after the first game but I have to go staple my man-parts to my inner thigh now. Cya tomorrow at work, fellas." –
Shaq Diesel
“Anally flushed” –
Eamon
"That was the most un-fun I’ve had in my life." –
Shunji
"I lost my honor AND my virginity." –
Luke Timmins
"lol wtf was that!?" -
Anim8rJB
"Where’s my team?!?!?"
Charlie Gough
"Like that guy who shot himself in the face with a nail gun, we never knew what hit us but the pain lingered on well after the fact." -
Sketch
Next Challenge:
Orphans with consumption and/or Polio.