Each Wednesday, we here at Bungie pick a fight with another group of Halo 2 players, from all walks of life. So far we've fought the Official Xbox Magazine, the Frag Dolls, Clan PMS, IGN.com and even our own mods. But none of them did what Teamxbox.com did last night. It was an atrocity.

Sometimes the words "Good game," stick in your craw like and errant fishbone. Sometimes the expression, "Well done," is the prelude to a lurching hack of acid bile. Sometimes the only way to clean the bitter taste of defeat from your palate is to go online and kill legions of teenagers with cheap Sword attacks. Without a whisper of exaggeration, I can truthfully say that last night was the worst night in the history of mankind. Ever.

The Bungie Chimps

• Stormincow – CJ Cowan, cinematics expert and hooptie ninja.
• Frankie – Stupid bald jerk and worst challenge-chooser EVER..
• Endo – Ryan Hylland, tester of all things testacular.
• Shishka – Ghetto Lord British.
• Shaq Diesel – Stefan Sinclair, Software Design Engineer, did not program in enough cheats..
  

The Teamxbox Crew

• Horus – Rob Semsey, Editor in Chief.
• Nomb – Tony Ford, lead programmer.
• Starks TXB - Estimé Aristomene , Graphic Artist.
• Metalman03 – Tim Crider, Linux guru/admin, suspected ringer.
• CJT – Cody Tritter, TXB forum moderator and second suspected ringer.
• DBAY24 – Daniel Bailey, Graphic Artist.

GAME 1: Team Slayer
Game Stats
Coagulation, Standard Weapons
Game Duration: 10:16
General Tone of Game : Maddening

Sour grapes doesn't even begin to describe it. Teamxbox played as a team on our least favorite scenario – Team Slayer on coagulation. Which is like a long, brutal hike on a hot August afternoon, but with hillbillies taking potshots at you. We ran around in a panic, occasionally getting in vehicles and were thoroughly destroyed. The only time we were tied was at zero-zero. The hillbillies were victorious, thanks to ample sniping, rocket launching and that most despicable of all gameplay skills – teamwork. Also, bright green? Not such a great color choice.

Final score: 50-36 TXB wins.

GAME 2: CTF
Game Stats
Colossus, Multi-Flag
Game Duration: 9:32
General Tone of Game : Snipey

Grah. We should have known we were in for a grief-filled horror when they asked if it was OK to flag-bounce. Although they agreed not to flag bounce, they kicked our asses anyway, helped in large part by our refusal to prevent them from getting the sniper rifle. We may as well have delivered our flag to their base in a stretch limo. We did capture one flag, and for a brief moment, things seemed evenly matched. But it was not to be. We got killed.

Final Score: 3 flags to 1. TXB wins.

GAME 3: Team Crazy King
Game Stats
Beaver Creek , regular rules, standard weapons
Game Duration: 2:49
General Tone of Game: Circle Jerky

This was basically a consolation game, since Teamxbox had already won the best of three, and to be fair, it was kind of a crapshoot. We were ahead, with four seconds to go, but they held us off under the arch and stole a final, redundant victory from our sweaty grasp. Served us right. So in short, no consolation, just more despair.

Final Score: One minute versus 54 seconds TXB wins..

Choice postgame quotes:

"Omfg, wtfbbq!" - Shishka

"I had a strange tingly feeling in my bum." - Shaq Diesel

"If my SMG hadn't jammed, we could have won." - Endo

"Now I know how France feels." - Stormincow

Next Challenge: We hereby challenge Napoleon Dynamite and David Cross. You think they read this site?